Let’s be honest, we all have our relationship bugbears, and there are sometimes just those everyday habits that your partner does which end up driving you up the wall. We’re talking along the lines of always forgetting to replace the loo role, constantly being on their phone, and pretending to listen but ultimately getting caught out later after they act surprised when you bring the subject up again.
It’s with these things in mind that we’ve carried out a survey to find out more about how bugbears can impact people’s relationships!
After all, your partner’s bad habits can definitely be frustrating but also equally endearing and make them, well, them! In fact, 17% of Brits say that bugbears make them love their partner more, and that they make a joke out of it and find that it bonds them. But enough spoilers; let’s get into the results from our survey, and you can see for yourself.
What are the biggest relationship bugbears for Brits?
When it comes to the top relationship bugbear, this turned out to be ‘acting surprised when I say something because they never listened to me previously’, according to over a quarter of Brits (28%, to be precise).
Obviously, this is quite a broad bugbear and could apply to many different conversation topics, but if you’re at least wanting them to pay attention when it comes to discussing plans, why not set up a shared calendar? That way, they’ve got no excuse for making out like it’s the first time they’ve heard that you’re off on a night out!
Next up on the relationship bugbear list is ‘always on their phone’, as voted for by 27% of our respondents. We’re all aware how addictive devices are, and nowadays it’s hard to bring down your screentime, but the most important thing is to make sure it doesn’t take over your relationship.
One way to potentially avoid this coming up as often is by having a designated no-tech period of time, or maybe even a full-on date night, so that you can make sure to give each other your undivided attention without screens.
Rounding out our top three, precisely a quarter of Brits (25%) noted that always being left to be the decision-maker was a particular pet peeve. When you think about this one a bit more, it’s actually quite heartwarming as it implies that these people really value an equal relationship and their partner’s opinion.
Simply taking it in turns to organise a date night, deciding on meals for the next week, or even narrowing down some potential locations for where to go on holiday next is an easy way to make sure you’re both sharing the responsibility.
What are the real consequences of bugbears on a relationship?
Thankfully, the most popular response from Brits (17%) when asked how they react to these bugbears is that, ultimately, it makes them love their partner more, and they’re able to make a joke out of it and use it to bond further.
It’s worth noting that when you spend all this time with someone, it’s natural for these things to build up over time into something bigger. This is evidenced by survey responses we received on how a small matter often turns into a huge argument (15%), responding with the silent treatment (14%), or becoming passive-aggressive (7%).
With just 8% of respondents admitting that they have split up with a partner because of bugbear repetitions, this might initially sound like a bit of a disheartening stat, but there’s also the flip side where it’s clearly not a big enough factor to cause mass break-ups.
In the end, it’s important to remember that nobody is perfect, and we all have habits that somebody else may consider to be a ‘bugbear’. The main thing is how you both move forward and avoid it impacting your relationship, and if you’re with someone you consider to be the love of your life (which we hope is the case!), then there should be no need for it to come between the two of you.
How often do couples actually argue about bugbears?
As we mentioned in the last section, whilst it’s not a relationship dealbreaker, bugbears can sometimes result in real arguments between a couple, but just how often does this happen?
Referring back to our survey data, two in five respondents (40%) said that this happens less than once a week, which only goes to show just how minor bugbears really are in the grand scheme of things. It also further backs up the fact that a lot of couples probably end up bantering with their partner about it.
Just over a third (35%) did say that for them it’s probably somewhere around 1-2 times a week, which, if we do some quick maths, does mean that up to 104 arguments could be purely related to getting frustrated by someone’s annoying habit. Yet, to turn this into a positive, this also means there are then 104 potential opportunities that could instead be made into a joke.
Here’s what the experts had to say about our research
For an expert opinion on our research, we spoke to Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart, a divorce lawyer, relationship coach and author of “How to Stay Together: 12 Daily Habits to Strengthen Your Relationship,” and this is what she had to say:
After 30+ years as a divorce lawyer in the relationship trenches, I know the little things can cause surprisingly big rows. But bugbears don’t necessarily mean a relationship is in trouble. In fact, I love that nearly 1 in 3 Brits say their partner’s annoying habits actually make them love them more. Sometimes the quirks are part of the person you love.
1. How should couples talk about bugbears, rather than staying silent and letting resentment build?
Raise little irritations while they’re still little. Talk about the behaviour, not their entire personality: “Could you pop your mug in the dishwasher?” beats “Why do you always leave everything just lying around?” My rule: If it’s bothering you, say it early and kindly before it becomes a big grudge.
2. What are the best ways to turn bugbears into something lighter or funnier that brings couples closer?
Turn the bugbear into an inside joke, not just another row. 1Research has found that couples who laugh together more tend to feel closer and happier.” Wet towels? Introduce a 50p fine. Mug abandoned beside the dishwasher? Encourage them: “Nearly there, darling. Just six more inches.”
3. If a bugbear happens weekly, what can couples do so it doesn’t get on top of them?
Change the system, not the volume. If nagging hasn’t worked for ten years, shouting louder in year eleven isn’t the breakthrough. Shoes everywhere? Basket by the door. Keys constantly missing? Give them a home. Sometimes saving your sanity really is that super simple.
4. How should couples prioritise themselves rather than letting small issues and everyday life get in the way?
Protect little pockets of “us” time. Coffee together, a proper kiss hello, hand-in-hand stroll or ten phone-free minutes. With nearly 1 in 3 couples naming phone use as a bugbear, please just put the phones down! It really matters! 2Research backs this up too! Being phone snubbed or “phubbing” is linked to lower relationship satisfaction and less intimacy.
5. Should bugbears worry us?
Usually, no. Love comes with bugbears. It’s part of the package. What worries me is when irritation becomes contempt e.g., constant eye-rolling, mockery, insults or disgust. Relationship researcher 3John Gottman identifies contempt as the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown.
6. What about the biggest bugbears and best advice?
Not listening tops the list (28%). And underneath the “You never listen” is often the sad feelings of “I don’t feel heard.” So please just put the phone down, look at them and actually really listen. 1 in 4 of us say ‘can’t make a decision’ is a big bugbear. So try giving them an either-or. If still nothing? Then over to you to decide. And the 23% who say “I’m fine” (23%) when they’re clearly anything but, try saying “Babe, ‘I’m fine’ isn’t giving me much to work with. What’s really up?”
My divorce-lawyer rule?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. If it’s really driving you nuts, then say it early in a nice way before they become the big stuff. Fix what you can, talk about what matters and just have a good laugh about the rest. Trust me, divorce is a very expensive way to deal with bugbears.”
Celebrate your love with one of our original anniversary cards
Whether you’re already in a long-lasting relationship or are on your way there, be sure to mark the date that the two of you got together and make their day by picking up something special from our collection of anniversary cards.
With thousands of original designs available in all sorts of styles, we reckon we’ve got the perfect option for pretty much all relationships. Maybe you can even find one that pokes fun at a bugbear of theirs?
